Monday, September 13, 2010

It Has Happened

So I guess I knew this was going to happen, but I was hoping I might just skip over this step. The nerves have set in. Up to know I have just been excited. In my correspondence with my group members many have mentioned anxiety and panic but I seemed to be immune. Maybe I thought, “hey Im used uprooting my life every two or three years. This will be like all the other times, piece of cake.” At first all I could see was the adventure. I knew it would be hard, but come on that’s the fun of it. Then I went on another weekend trip to say good bye to another friend. This time to A&M. I got a little tearing in the car because it really hit me; I have such wonderful people in my life. My family is loving, supportive, and so much fun. My friends are understanding, steadfast, and amazing. For the first time in my life I have people that I don’t want to leave behind. On most of my adventures I had my family with me, and I was too young and my friendship too fleeting to really miss them. It was the nature of the expat life you were always leaving friends or being left, but you knew there would be a new batch to replace them. It’s different this time. My family is dispersing, my little sister in school in Oklahoma, my big sister working in Houston, and my parents living in Africa. Also, I have friendships I want to keep. It seems ironic that it would be harder to say goodbye to people you know will always be in your life, then to say good bye to those you may never see again. Why is it trickier to say good bye to people you know you will see? I think this is what brought on the nerves. The real understanding of what I am leaving behind. I value my relationships so much and I know I will feel there absence this time. It got me thinking about how much of a change it will be, I guess I have gotten too comfortable in these 6 years living in the states, just traveling a few months a year. I’m not scared, just nervous. I know I will be successful and I know I will love it. I was made for this, and I have wanted it for longer than I can remember. Now it’s finally here. Its just that the immensity of it is becoming clear to me. So I guess I’m not immune, I feel anxious too. My sense of adventure and excitement have not diminished but it’s hard not to be nervous when I look into the eyes of my sisters, my parents, and my friends and wonder “how do I live without these parts of me?”

On the right is Reginald who you have already met, on the left is Luna a new Frenchie my sister has just gotten. She is a pain in the ass but also lovely!!


  1. well that was hard to read. My sweet thing you will be fine once you are there, it is the not knowing that is scairy and yes you get your creative spelling from me !!!!

  2. Hang in there, Rachael. New friends are waiting to meet you!

  3. Thanks Nancy! I cant wait to finaly meet everyone!